The IFS Internal Family Systems Model

Have you ever heard someone say: “Before you can love someone, I have to learn to love myself” o “My problem is that I lack self-esteem” o “I didn't want to do it, but can't help it?

Who is it that we need to learn to love and cherish and why is it so difficult for us??

Who is it that makes us do things we really don't want to do?? Will that critical voice in our head that calls us all kinds of nicknames haunt us forever??

Is there a better way to deal with that feeling of worthlessness we feel in the bottom of our stomach??

How can we reduce the volume of that internal noise that keeps us in a state of anxiety and distraction??

The Internal Family Systems model (IFS) It has a set of answers to these questions that help people relate to themselves in a different way.,

loving themselves.

It offers us concrete steps we can take to achieve a greater control over our impulsive or automatic reactions. This model helps transform that critical inner voice in a supportive voice and eliminate feelings of worthlessness. is capable, besides, not only to reduce that internal noise in our mind but also to, also, of create an internal atmosphere of luminosity and peace, providing greater confidence, clarity and creativity in our relationships.

In the IFS Model we achieve this by first focusing on the inside of ourselves.. By “internal focus” We understand that one directs his attention towards his thoughts, emotions, fantasies, images and sensations, that is to say, your internal experience.

For most people that is a big step since we have been educated to have our attention focused on the outside world., thus preventing possible dangers as well as seeking satisfaction in it. This external focus is justified since in our environment there are reasons to worry both, how to stimulate us; however, There is another reason why many of us do not dare to penetrate our inner world because we are afraid of what we might find there.. We know or sense that, deep inside ourselves, Memories and feelings that could overwhelm us are hidden, making us feel bad about ourselves, interfering with our ability to function, determining that we act impulsively, changing the way we relate to others and becoming vulnerable to new wounds.

This is particularly true if one has suffered humiliations that have made one feel worthless or if one has experienced trauma or loss throughout one's life..

To avoid this, you will ensure that you are continually busy or distracted, thus never giving the opportunity for painful memories to arise. You will organize your life in a way that guarantees that nothing can trigger the appearance of feared memories or emotions. You will try to have an acceptable appearance and behavior, you will work hard to prove that you are a valuable person, you will control how close or not your relationships can be, you will try to do or necessary to be loved by others.

Susana is very busy making sure her children are comfortable with themselves, so she feels terrible about the way she sometimes loses control with her son.. From time to time he does unimportant things like leaving clothes thrown away or coming home a little late., watching her react by yelling at him as if he had just killed the cat. She is often aware that such a reaction is going to take over her, but you can't do anything to stop it. Then, tormented by remorse, You will hate yourself for it but the situation will continue to repeat itself.

Despite everything you've accomplished, Maria is tormented by the feeling of not being good enough.. People constantly praise her and tell her how good she is., although she cannot accept those praises. She puts on a good face but deep down, She is convinced that if they really knew her, they would feel disappointed. He knows, on an intellectual level, who is loved but can't shake that feeling of uselessness.

Ana is not able to control what she eats. Despite trying different diets, work with nutritionists and get lots of exercise, when the urge to eat sweets takes over, is left helpless. She hates that inner voice that makes her go buy candy and, however, can't resist her.

Julia complains that she is only attracted to men who treat her badly.. Yes ok, there are many nice guys interested in her, She feels that chemistry only occurs with those charismatic guys who will end up treating her badly.. She feels like she is doomed to always end up in one of these relationships.

Many of us have emotions or impulses that we are unable to control.. But we also fight against it and get angry with ourselves for being unable to control them..

The uncontrollable impulse itself is disturbing enough; however, the relationship that we usually generate with that impulse – both the frustration with him and the one we end up having with ourselves for having him- manages to penetrate so much into the idea we have of ourselves that it makes us feel useless.

The way in which we relate to some problematic thought or emotion not only fails to control them but also, besides, becomes part of our problems.

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh put it this way: “If we get angry with our anger, We have two angers to face at the same time.”

All of the people I have described came to therapy because they were at war with themselves.. They were tied to difficult internal relationships and, obviously, Their external relationships evolved in parallel to their internal ones..

The problems that made them go to therapy not only improved significantly when they managed to change the way they approached and interacted with their thoughts and emotions, but, besides, they managed, in general terms, reduce feelings of agitation and internal anxiety, like themselves more and have better relationships with people in their lives.

In what direction did this change occur?? These people went from hating, temer, to discuss; of attempts to ignore, to lock oneself in or to free oneself from; or to give in and be overwhelmed by those feelings and beliefs, paying attention to them.

The curiosity they initially felt about those feelings and beliefs led them in many cases to feel compassion for them., then going on to try to help them.

Introduction to the Internal Family Systems model.

Richard C. Schwartz, Ph.D.