How do we recover the desire when we have just become parents?

A question I regularly receive in my group and individual sessions is how to feel desire again after motherhood and fatherhood..

It is clear that not all people experience it, but for many, sex during the first years of upbringing becomes a ghost., from time to time we remember that it exists and perhaps, If exhaustion doesn't get power with us we even practice it, and then we say in unison: We have to do it more! As good as it feels to us!

And sex is a way to release energy, a perfect ally for the frustrations and tensions that sometimes accompany the development and growth of our children..

But the day to day absorbs us again and we put it back at the end of the queue. That's at best.

Many people who come to my sessions feel frustrated by not being able to feel that desire., They even tell me that it's as if they were completely uninterested in it.. And they feel frustrated, They even wonder if their relationship has stopped making sense..

In the life we ​​lead today, Balancing family and work is really difficult., and when our children are small, the moments to be together become almost a fantasy and when they appear they tend to be more like a change of work shift.; has pooped, He hasn't taken a nap yet and today I don't know what's wrong with him but he's been irritated all day...

And maybe at night when the day seems like it had 72 hours instead of 24 we feel totally exhausted to start something that requires physical and mental effort

And it is like this, because sex, As Esther Perel says, it is not something we do, it is a place we go to..

UA place where we go to meet a part of ourselves. And to get to that place we need to not have to take care of another, we need to be able to take care of ourselves only.

From this look, It is easy to understand that it is difficult for us to leave that state of care to go to a place where “we forget about the world” when the difficult and wonderful adventure of having a baby means that it depends on us for its survival.

It can be very difficult for our heads to disconnect and we can even, unconsciously, have a resistance to doing it. Since during the rest of the time we are very connected to the part of us that cares for others.

If we add to this that we spend little time together and the time we do spend we need to share tasks and obligations, we have the perfect extinguisher for our flame..

Because there is a key in this desire:

Fire needs air.

When I ask when they feel most attracted to their partners, The most common answers are usually: when he goes on a trip for a few days and we talk on the phone, when I see him/her engaged in an activity that he/she is good at and enjoys, when you are talking to another person about something, when we are out and I see someone else's interest in him or her, when I see him playing with our children...

That is to say, we feel more attracted to our partners when we create enough distance to appreciate in them those things that attract us..

We need to create space, not too far, not too close, a nice space where we can see each other.

Well then, during these years, Those moments can be conspicuous by their absence and we are left with the feeling that we are just co-workers..

and find that, at best, We only connect with that erotic part when we are alone.

And so little by little, we find ourselves trapped in a spiral of reproaches, frustrations, bad mood and start over.

Well then, before anything, I want to clarify that having sex is not an obligation and that each one of us will feel the desire to return to that place at different times..

It is completely normal that during the first months of the arrival of a baby we do not feel like it and there is no reason to force something that is not what we want at that moment..

And of course, I am totally against it becoming an obligation among the billions that accompany motherhood and fatherhood..

That being said, There may be a moment when something wants to wake up in you again and you have gone so far away that you can't find your way back..

If that is your case, these ideas are for you:

• It starts with you.

Start by reconnecting with your body. Reserve a space a week to have some time just for yourself. To give you a bath, caress you, get back in touch with your body.

Eroticism is something that is born in you, let your body and mind reconnect with those sensations.

• Add it to the long list of things your children need from you.

Many times we feel guilty when dedicating space and time to ourselves.. And yet we fail to be present with our children on many occasions..

I'm not talking about taking away anything they need., Just think if you can find small moments that allow you to reconnect with yourself.. As your children grow, it will be easier for you to find them, but perhaps there is something you can do right now..

• Check your sexuality

Becoming fathers and mothers is a very important evolutionary experience, Take advantage of it to give yourself permission to explore and see what excites you most now.. Explore your fears and ask yourself how you have lived it until now.

What is it like for you to give?; you always offer more than what you then feel you receive or on the contrary it is something difficult for you. How do you experience receiving?; you consider that what you receive is what it is and that's it, you always think about the other person, you feel that you are taking too long and leaving your satisfaction behind that of the other person. What is it like for you to ask?; you find it difficult to talk to your partner about the things you like. How do you handle rejecting?; It's hard for you to say 'I'm not enjoying that.', let's do that other thing better'.

• Forget about sex to think about eroticism.

We tend to focus sexual relations on having sex with another person and yet when I talk to my clients I clearly see how what they miss is something that encompasses much more than that.. It is feeling desired, looked at, served, taken into account. It's the game that surrounds seduction.

Have an erotic language again, a cell phone message saying I miss him, I miss you. An unexpected note. Anything that reminds the other person that you are having those feelings too.

• Allow your need for love and security and your need for adventure and passion to go hand in hand..

These two fundamental needs occur in all people.. And the way you experienced security and the desire for adventure in your childhood has been crucial to the way you experience it now.. 'Tell me how they loved you and I will tell you how you love'.

The reality is that we need security to explore but we also need adventure and insecurity to feel alive..

When we talk about wanting something, It seems like it is on the opposite side of the verb 'have', which is the verb we use when we love..

Well then, It is important to remind ourselves that we never 'have' our partner. This ability to live with a certain degree of uncertainty is what creates the fundamental air so that the flame of desire can emerge..

Love is a verb, and the verbs are dynamic, involve action, responsibility, intention and planning. Nobody lives in a constant state of passion. Sustaining passion is something you cultivate but it will always fluctuate.

Get up in the morning and think about what you can do to travel to eros that day, take your responsibility.

With responsibility comes your freedom to change yourself.

Or put another way,

if you want something to change, starts with you.