Imagine that you inherit from your parents a magical kitchen in which you can have all the food you want., in the quantity and type you want. How your parents fed you unconditionally, you learned to do the same with your children. And they are very happy because they love your food..
Your food is so nutritious and delicious that they never get stuffed or dream of eating sweets or other types of less healthy food.. Also, you never use food to punish or reward them., so they trust that they deserve to be fed simply because they are your children.
They also do not fight among themselves since they know that there is always enough food for everyone..
You also give free food to friends, neighbors, and everyone who needs to eat for the simple pleasure of sharing it. You know that you don't have to save it since your reserves never run out.
So, one day, a person knocks on your door and offers one of your children a slice of fresh pizza and candy in exchange for emotional care. Since you and your children are so full and you see that he does not take care of his own children or give them food, your answer is, “No, gracias, We already have enough food.”
another day, a different person knocks on your door. That person is like you in that he has a lot of children whom he feeds generously and who are happy and satisfied.. That person is very attracted to your way of cooking in your magical kitchen., but he doesn't need your food since he loves to cook and also has a lot of food. Your children love to play with yours. They would love to go live at your house but they know that their father/mother will take care of them no matter what happens and that is why they trust that he/she will be the one to choose where to live..
You decide to invite him to share your house and you both enjoy each other's way of cooking.. All children love the new mix of flavors that come from the kitchen.
Now imagine that you live in a different neighborhood. You are very poor and you hardly have money to feed your children.. How are they so hungry?, The youngest and weakest one cries desperately all the time and begs you to find someone to give them food.. His despair affects you so much that you decide to lock him up in the basement so that he doesn't hang over you all the time reminding you of his suffering..
This is how your parents told you that you had to treat children when they got too heavy..
You try very hard to ignore the little ones' tantrums., However, you can't stop hearing them through the walls of your house.. The urgency of your needs is like a hammer hitting you on the head..
Some of the older children begin to lose confidence in your abilities to provide for your family and take the adult responsibility of pressuring you to work harder trying to calm those who are crying hungry in the basement.. Little by little they become very critical of your work., your habits and everything you do and spend a lot of energy trying to keep those in the basement away from you.
When the person with the pizza and candy walks past your door, the children in the basement smell the food from a distance. They go crazy with joy at the thought of being fed and freed from the basement.
They idealize the candy person and do everything to please him.
You and the older children are hungry too, You are exhausted and impressed to see how the candy person makes the children in the basement feel.
The mere possibility of not having to deal with them and letting someone else deal with them sounds wonderful.. Consequently, despite some warnings about the poor quality of the food it brings, You and the older children agree to meet that person's emotional needs as payment for guaranteed food..
While he is becoming more and more stingy with the amount of pizza and candy, children are becoming more and more addicted to them. And every time you mention the possibility of getting him out of your life, they ignore you.
Now imagine that the food in this story is actually LOVE and that the children are parts of yourself..
You may identify with the one with the magic kitchen and accept all the different parts of yourself unconditionally., simply because they are part of you. That way you won't be attracted to the false promises of some people.. And when you find a partner, your parts will not become dependent, plaintiffs, protective or so easy to hurt that they need to create drama or lead you to tolerate any type of abuse. But each one of them will love your partner differently, enriching your relationship with the security that if that person hurts them, you will be there to take care of them and face the conflict..
If you are like many people in our cultural environment, however, You will have learned from your parents and other people around you to exile certain parts of yourself. And the basement of your psyche will be full of children hungry for love, vulnerable boarding children.
How do these children get so little from you?, They are obsessed with imagining that they will find someone who will rescue them and free them from their despair., so much so that they will hide that person's flaws from you so that you cannot see them..
They will actively participate in the election of that 'not recommended' person, and how they are so needy and feel so vulnerable, they will make you stay by their side for a long time. They will strongly feel the harm done to them and will constantly check how close or far that person is from you., or from other people.
So, where to find something like a magical kitchen, an unlimited source of love from which all parts of you can draw on what they need?
It's a place you wouldn't think to look.:
YOU ARE YOURSELF
The parts of you find it hard to believe as they have swallowed the cultural messages and learned from you that their only hope of finding love was outside..
Text adapted and translated by Patricia de la Fuente extracted from the book: You are the one you’ve been waiting for. Richard C. Schwartz. 2008. Metaphor of the kitchen of Don Miguel Ruiz (1999)
Richard C. Schwartz is the creator of the Internal Family Systems psychotherapy model..